Patient wants a “Do-Over”

In our everyday life, our thinking is 99% self-centered. 

“Why do I have suffering?  Why do I have trouble?”

-----Shunryu Suzuki

As I moved from one treatment room to the next and grabbed for the file, I saw the words “Patient wants a Do-Over” pasted to a yellow post-it note.  Confused, I went to the front desk to ask the receptionist what that meant.  She explained that the patient felt I was pre-occupied yesterday when she came in and the treatment didn’t take.  

I was surprised since she was a regular patient over the years that came in every three or four months when she felt the need for care.  She lived outside of town at a ranch that hosted retreats for people from back East who came to Montana to practice yoga. 

Sometimes the ranch would shuttle a guest into town for me to treat as a chiropractor when they injured themselves.  I had a good working relationship with these people so this note was both embarrassing and perturbing.  Most of them lived in a tee-pee or a yurt for the season.  They wore earth tone colors since their clothes were either 100% wool or cotton.  And as vegans, they ate lots of raw garlic that seeped through the pores of their skin to ward off any unfriendly bacteria. 

Reviewing my notes, I thought everything looked good on paper.  Baffled and perplexed, I didn’t know if I should be defensive and angry or open and apologetic.  I went in and asked what was wrong with my treatment.  She responded, “Nothing, you just were not here.”  I didn’t know what to say and stood there hesitating.  She stood up and got on my table and said, “Just fix me.”  So I did.  I paid attention and did the best I could; while not even sure I was indeed “fixing it”.  It was never mentioned again in our conversations but we parted friends that day and I continued to treat her when she needed help. 

Recently, the roles have reversed and I am now a patient and I go to receive help.  It has been a humbling experience.  As the nurses take my vitals I can tell which of them are doing it with me and who is doing it to me. 

It was only years later before I grasp the true importance of mindfulness and being aware of the moment.  Right mindedness invariably results in healthier choices and right actions.  

Our choices reflect our balanced minds and clarity in thought.  And mindfulness keeps us out of the past and the future.  Most of the time, I don’t get any “Do-over’s”.  So being mindful of this moment becomes even more important. 

When we settle into the present moment,

we can see beauties and wonders right before our very eyes---

a newborn baby, the sun rising in the sky.

--- Thich Nhat Hanh

Ripples in Daily Living

When I was twelve, I went to a Boy Scout Camp that was located beside a small lake.  In the evening when the water was still, we would toss rocks in the lake and watch their effect with ripples expanding in all directions. 

 We would heave big rocks, small rocks, and handfuls of rocks to see what effect we could make on the surface of the water.  Today, I have come to believe and am convinced we are all making ripples every day in the lives of all those around us. 

My wife likes to read NDE (Near Death Experience) stories.  I picked up some of those books and found some similarities and parallels in the various writers’ experiences.  Many of them refer to having their life reviewed and flash before them.  Some have described that experience in detail where they saw the people and the hurt to whom they had harmed in the past and had not even a clue that they had done so.  Then they saw the people that they had helped and inspired by their words and example and again, had not a clue they had had such an effect on the lives of those around them.  

To me, that is the ripple effect or phenomenon taking place in our lives daily.  Call it, It’s a Wonderful Life, or Life Sucks; it is the ripples we make in others lives which we will probably never know. 

A few months ago, I read a book called Beyond the Breath, by Marshall Glickman and I made a life goal of eliminating suffering.  Once I grasped the magnitude of suffering in our lives, I found this to be a most noble goal and I follow this path daily to see where it will take me.  I now believe this is the Road Less Traveled as described by Robert Frost.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

Robert Frost

 This path has a three prong approach to eliminating suffering. 

1-         Omit unwholesome acts

2-         Commit wholesome acts

3-         Purify the mind

Shortly after adopting this life goal, I realized that I had hurt someone to whom I had sent an email with a sharp dig.  I did it with intent and it worked. 

 Realizing the suffering I had created for another; I sent a letter of apology and a promise that I would never again do that.  And if I had a problem again, I would seek them out and share my hurt and not react and strike out.  So far, it has been a watershed moment.  I consider closely now if my words will cause hurt or harm to others.  It feels good.  And the weeks are turning into months. 

Now on to step two; committing wholesome acts.  At first, I thought this would be difficult to do with my physical disabilities and limitations.  Not so.  I have found that right mindedness and right speaking allows me a rich means of showing and sharing GRATITUDE. Gratitude is one of the four sublime states of the mind and I use it every day in my speaking and my writing. 

Today I received a thank you card in the mail from a fellow to whom I had recently wrote a letter of appreciation with a gift card.  He thanked me for that gift card but what touched him most was my acknowledgement of his good works and how much I admired him. 

His thank you note will sit here by my computer for many days to come.  It helps me remember, not to forget that we are daily making ripples in the lives of those around us.  And this Thank You note is just one reflection of those ripples that are constantly expanding.

Downton Abbey ---- I Think I Get it!

 Over the years, my favorite quote has remained the same.  It is by Neal Maxwell, a beloved speaker and writer who died of cancer.  He said:

“You don’t get the benefits of a crucial experience

 Without going through the crucial experience.”

I remind myself of this when facing more surgery or dealing with chronic illness.  So, just what is the “crucial experience” that we are all going through?  I think it is LIFE and the associated suffering that is experienced. 

 And hopefully we benefit by this Life experience by eliminating the suffering and discovering joy beyond verbal description. 

I have come to believe that it is a “letting go” process.  As I become less clingy to the things that make me look good to others on the outside and release my grasp to the old negative ideas about self on the inside, I become free of emotional hooks that dictate my reaction to others and to stuff around me.

 

Do everything with a mind that lets go.
Do not expect any praise or reward.

If you let go a little, you will have a little peace.
If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.
If you let go completely, you will know complete peace and freedom.

And your struggles with the world
will have come to an end. 

And then the benefits that become available to us are the four sublime states of mind.

Finding joy in the joy of others and celebrating with them

Sharing compassion with those who are suffering

Giving gratitude for this moment now

Observing all that comes into our lives with equanimity

This season of Downton Abbey reveals many of the beliefs that create suffering for those who continue to cling desperately to them.  We get to observe people struggling with being protestant and realizing their granddaughter will be raised catholic.  We watch men become uncomfortable with women having a voice in society beyond what men have defined as a woman’s role.  And we sense the intolerance for prostitution, homosexuality, and anything different than ourselves.  Yet, as Oprah would say, “everyone’s pain is the same.”  Meaning, we all become miserable because of our beliefs about others.

And here is the true beauty and wonder of this TV series.  Through these different, difficult “crucial experiences” each becomes kinder and softer and gentler in their views of others.  Or they continue in their misery for yet another season to learn another day that we are one, we are not alone, and we are not separated from one another.  

But most of all, I realize that Life will present to each of us what we need to have and to learn because we are part of something much greater than ourselves.  And anything outside of that reality loses its importance.     

Phil the flamingo…. “Now You’ve Done it!”

As some of you may know, we have had a resident flamingo staying with us over the winter since Christmas. 

Normally he remains in the back yard where we can protect him from local dogs and cats.  So far, if I leave an orange or a mango out over night, he seems to be content.  

To keep track of him in the evening, I hook up his L.E.D. collar that illuminates his location.  I hook him up to a current bush and he appears to brighten up during the long cold nights.

However, last night, I forgot to unplug his collar before going to bed.  It was a dark, moonless night and by morning we were up to our armpits in flamingos.  How they got off their normal migratory flyway is a mystery to me.  

One local birdologist suggest that they only fly at night.  As you can see, if I move slowly and quietly, they do not seem to be disturbed.  I wonder what you call a flock of flamingos.  I suspect it is a “filibuster of flamingos.”

One thing is for sure, I can’t feed a whole flock til Spring.  They need to move on.  Our local homeowners association only allows for three pets or birds.  So I am hoping I am not turned in by a neighbor. 

 Besides, they are starting to leave peanut-shaped Styrofoam droppings all over the place and my wife is not willing to pick up after them. 

So I am going to Home Depot to purchase an owl “scarecrow” and mount that on the fence.  I hope that will frighten them off before the city declares our property a litter health hazard.  

What does a Teacher make?

From  A School Principal's speech at a  graduation..

He  said "Doctor wants his child to become a  doctor.........
Engineer wants his child to  become engineer......
Businessman wants his  ward to become CEO.....
BUT a teacher also  wants his child to become one of them..!!!!
Nobody wants to become a teacher BY CHOICE"  ....Very sad but that's the
truth.....!!!

The  dinner guests were sitting around the table  discussing life.
One man, a CEO, decided to  explain the problem with education. He argued,
"What's a kid going to learn from someone  who decided his best option in
life was to  become a teacher?"

To  stress his point he said to another guest;
"You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What  do you make?"

Teacher Bonnie, who had a  reputation for honesty and frankness replied,
"You want to know what I  make?
(She paused for a second, then  began...)

"Well,  I make  kids  work harder than they ever thought they  could.

I make a C+  feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor  winner.

I make kids sit through 40  minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 min. without an I Pod,  Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to  know what I make?
(She paused again and  looked at each and every person at the  table)

I make kids  wonder.

I  make them  question.

I make them apologize and mean  it.

I make them  have respect and take responsibility for their  actions.

I teach them how to write and  then I make them  write.
Keyboarding isn't  everything.

I  make them  read, read, read.

I  make  them  show all their work in math.
They use their  God given brain, not the man-made  calculator.

I make my students from other  countries learn everything they need
to know  about English while preserving their unique  cultural identity.

I  make  my  classroom a place where all my students feel  safe.

Finally, I  make them  understand that if they use the gifts  they
were given, work hard, and follow their  hearts, they can succeed in life

( Bonnie  paused one last time and then  continued.)

Then, when people try to  judge me by what I make,  with  me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my  head up high and pay no attention because
they  are ignorant. You want to know what I  make?

I  MAKE  A  DIFFERENCE IN ALL YOUR LIVES, EDUCATING KIDS AND  PREPARING
THEM TO BECOME CEO's , AND DOCTORS AND  ENGINEERS..........

What  do you make  Mr. CEO?

His  jaw dropped; he went  silent.

Watcher, Observer, Patient, Butler.

In my own daily Practice to maintain a balanced mind so that I do not react to what flows in and out of my life, I have become aware of how taking on various personal identities leads to various forms of suffering.  Be it father, son, teacher, leader, writer, American, Seahawk fan, meditator, Democrat, or just a guy; these roles can create loss, disappointment, distress, and discontent. 

Am I suggesting disavowing and rejecting all such roles in our lives?  Not at all.  But to see these things as they really are; ephemeral, transient, and passing.  As the observer, we allow these things to come into our lives and then let go and allow them to flow through. 

Becoming attached or clingy to any title or accomplishment not only creates tension for us but also blocks the joy of the moment as we experience these relations.   We don’t have to go far to see examples of people personally suffering in the loss of an identity or relation they have enjoyed for a period of time in their lives.  From childhood Hollywood stars to NFL players, people become lost in their identities when they are gone.

Chronic illness and aging also brings us face to face with this dilemma for defining who we are and letting go of the illusions.  My greatest peace comes in those moments of letting go of various personal identities and peeling off the layers of self and becoming selfless.  These are the times when I find joy in the joy of others and compassion for those struggling around me and a quiet happiness.

How is this possible?  I suspect that it is the letting go of ego and not needing to prove anything.  Those identities lose their importance as being central and a shift in focus and energy takes place.  Maybe that is why babies and puppies are so fun to be around.  They really don’t care who I am.  And for the moment, neither do I. 

So let’s have fun with our various identities.  I have become an ardent fan of the TV series Downton Abbey.  And with my new identity as “fan”, I have observed the role of a Butler.  Well now, I must be pretty important because I realized that I too have a Butler; my wife.  Please don’t tell her I said that.  I doubt if she would appreciate the title.  But I do express daily, many times my appreciation for what she has to do to keep me biologically up and running. 

Because of prolong periods of sitting that I do; Beth as a caretaker, has the distinct role of keeping the skin soft and not allowing heat rashes to form.  This has required, after showering, the application of skin creams to vulnerable pressure points. 

I now visit an infection Specialist that is determined to avert any sores from developing which could become “very dangerous.”  So here I am, lying on my side in an examination room with the doctor, two female nurses and my wife checking out the overall health of my “backside”. 

This is a follow-up visit and the doctor seems to be pretty excited to see the improvement in the skin with the use of the cream applied by my dear wife.  He tries to get my wife to come see the change.  In his strong Chinese accent he says, “Come! Come look at his butt.”  To which my wife responds, “I don’t need to see his butt.  I look at his butt every day.”  And the room erupts in laughter. 

At times, as hard as I try, I can’t seem to avoid being the butt of someone else’s jokes.  But hey, it comes with the territory; especially when your wife is your own Butt-ler, errrr Butler.  Yet all these identities will pass away; patient, sickness, humorist, writer, butler.  For life itself is constantly changing and unfolding.  Life is impermanent. 

Living Life Without a Map

Looking back over the years to my travels, my most memorable trips have been without a map and no real destination.  One trek started in San Jose California where my wife and I rented a car for a week and  journeyed down the coast without any planning, or knowing what was around the corner or where we would eat or sleep.  

Another time we drove north in Montana to Highway 2 and turned left and followed the road wherever it would take us.  We stopped often and ate at places that were not franchises and met people who were “colorful” from my experience of life.  I loved the local lady who came to the café to eat lunch with a fly swatter.  The owners did not take care of the flies so she did, on her own terms. 

For some time, I wondered why these trips were so memorable.  It wasn’t until I began to study Vipassana Meditation that I realized the key ingredient.  It is the difference between FLUID-ITY and SOLID-ITY.  Life and everything in life is fluid and is in a constant state of flux, flow, and change.  To live with more safety and certainty, we like to see things as SOLID.  So we freeze things in our beliefs, opinions, and memories as being a certain way.  We become attached to seeing things only a certain way.  We take pictures and refer to that as real.  And use maps to plan a vacation so that we arrive somewhere we know.  We want something that we can count on, that is certain.  And when it is all over, we write an obituary that sums up our life as we have defined it.  But is that reality?  My awareness now says no.

And even though we are always making new maps for our life, the truth is that they are immediately inaccurate and incomplete as soon as we outline them.  If we could see things as they really are, and we can; we would realize that life is impermanent.  Everything is in a state of continuous and constant change and flux.  Allowing FLUIDITY to be the case in our lives moves us from an arm chair traveler to an adventurer.  The possibilities are unlimited because we did not define them before we started.

Are you ready for an adventure right in your own back yard?  You will have to sloooow down and be here now.  We must become the Watcher, the Observer.  We allow into our awareness whatever comes with out placing a judgment on it.  With equanimity we see what we see and find what unfolds before us as “enough”.  We allow it to be so without attempting to change it.

And the events and relations in our life, good, bad or indifferent we deal with equanimity.  This does not mean we don’t make new choices for other outcomes we seek.  We just quit struggling with the content and drama of daily living.  We can then act without any reaction to the all the changes all about us, all the time.  This new awareness of life’s fluidity frees us from a lot of grief and misery and spent energy attempting to change things to our satisfaction. 

I have a son who spent a year as a camp caretaker of a lodge with a pond.  He loved the week days because the camp was silent and he had it all to himself.  However, the weekends were rented out to various rambunctious groups and the peace was usually broken with the noise. 

Yet one group was different.  A group of meditators came and there was no noise.  All was silent.  And daily they would take a walk around the pond.  Slowwwlly.  My son said it drove him nuts to see how long it took them to walk around that small pond.  What was five minutes for him was an hour or more for them.  And then they turned around and did it again the next day.  What were they seeing and observing that he didn't? 

 So I decided to try that.  My wife had an hour long massage and I was waiting in the car.  I chose to get out and walk around a tree, the same tree, for an hour.  There arises an experiential wisdom that comes from such efforts.  It doesn't come from our book learning or our reasoning.  I found that one of the first things we lose is our SEPARATION from other things in life.  And such wisdom is without words that do it justice until we spend an hour observing a tree for ourselves.  The awareness’s I gained about that tree were amazing.

Yet our greatest adventure awaits us to go within and observe ourselves and how we think and what we sense and feel.  And for most, they are too distracted by their activities to be aware of what is happening within.  We are the only creatures on earth that can observe one’s self.  Self awareness is the door way to being liberated from our suffering and misery.  And if we let go of our maps, we have no where to go but to be here NOW.  And oh what an adventure awaits us.

Mindfulness ! Seeing that which we seek.

There's a pertinent story of a monk in the Buddha's time which relates the ultimate in sense discipline. A married couple had a big row and the woman decided to run away. She put on several of her best saris, one over the other, wore all her gold jewelry and left.

After a while the husband was sorry that he had let her go and followed her. He ran here and there, but couldn't find her. Finally he came across a monk who was walking along the street. He asked the monk if he'd seen a woman in a red sari with long black hair and lots of jewelry around her neck and arms. The monk said: "I saw a set of teeth going by."

The monk was not paying attention to the concepts of a woman with long black hair, a red sari, and lots of jewelry, but only to the fact that there was a human being with a set of teeth. He had calmed his senses to the point where the sight object was no longer tempting him into a reaction. An ordinary person at the sight of a beautiful woman with black hair, a red sari and lots of jewelry, running excitedly along the street, might have been tempted to follow her. A set of teeth going by, is highly unlikely to create desire. That is calming the senses. 

by Avya Khema

For the past few years I have been taking a water aerobic class for seniors.  Three times a week 20 or 25 of us strip down to our swim suits and climb in the water.  For some, it may not be a pretty sight to witness the tattoos and scars from previous surgeries and sagging skin here and there.  But once we all get in the water up to our necks, I see bright eyes and smiles everywhere.  It is an amazing transformation that four feet of water can make. 

Learning to be Mindful of things as they really are is a noble pathway to being happy.  But like getting to Carnegie Hall, it takes practice.