Never Let a Woman in Your Life!

While eating dinner tonight, I realized that Prof. Higgins from My Fair Lady and I have a lot in common.  The lyrics came back to me as I reviewed my day.

I'm an ordinary man,Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance, to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants... An average man am I, of no eccentric whim, Who likes to live his life, free of strife, doing whatever he thinks is best, for him, Well... just an ordinary man... BUT, Let a woman in your life and your serenity is through, 

Let me explain.  Recently I have been experiencing a lot of elbow and tendon pain which makes it difficult to put on my shirt and pants.  So I have relied on my dear wife to start my day right with helping me dress.  This has led her to choosing what I wear so that it is also color coordinated.  Hmmm.

Toweling off was also difficult so I let her in on my shower routine.  My life is my own until I step out of the shower and then the “support staff” takes over. 

Now for my error on even a larger scale.  I recently remarked, “Honey, would you help me soap up with that loofah stick for my armpits?” .  It felt like an innocent enough request.  And all went well but the next morning, she was ready to do it again.  Good grief, soap two days in a row.  By day four she had it down to a routine.  And blabbering about how this is what “we” should do every day.  Because, after all, all I have to do is just stand there. 

This is day five and the auto-body wash system is now a tradition in full force.  I stand in the shower with my eyes closed due to the enormous amount of suds on my face and turn slowly as the loofah scrubs me from top to bottom and stem to stern.  Being a woman dedicated to doing thorough work, I wait and stand silently while Dr. Bronner soap etches its way into the very skin and pores of my entire body.   And I am certain that my summer tan is also quickly eroding.  Inexplicably, I am looking whiter or brighter for some not understood reason.

By day five, I smell clean, I mean really clean.  There is no male scent left on me anywhere on my entire body.   I am certain that if I was to get lost in the woods that the search and rescue hounds would not be able to pick up my trail.  Just give them a bar of soap and hope for the best. The natural flora of my body doesn’t stand a chance against this newly adopted family tradition. 

By the time I am dressed and sitting in the front room glowing with cleanliness, I feel like I squeak when reaching for a book.  And the lyrics to Professor Higgins come back to haunt me.

Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall, make a plan and you will find,that she has something else in mind, and so rather than do either you do something else that neither likes at all  

Oh never let a woman in your life.

Thanks Honey, you really are special.

Lyrics to I'm an Ordinary Man.